


Saccharine Death

by NervousOtaku (orphan_account)



Series: Tales of a 144 Player Fansession! [32]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Selves, Don't Read This, Doomed Timelines, F/M, Happy birthday Homestuck, SBURB Fan Session, This Is STUPID, Trickster Mode, Tricksters, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 16:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10620384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/NervousOtaku
Summary: Or: A Short Story Totally Unrelated To The Plot Of The Series, More Of A Distant Cousin Of A Side Story Or Something, Involving Doomed Timelines, Tricksters, And The Only Reason The Author Is Even Posting This Trash Is Because It Was A Dare From Writing Club To Celebrate 4/13, But Anyway, The Bard Of Life Is Having None Of This Baloney





	

Shane and Rowley stared.

“ _Um_... Caitlin?” the Rogue asked tentatively.

“Save yourself.” she said flatly from behind her riot shield.

“Hi Shane! Alpha Shane! A-Shane!” the... bizarre Caitlin lookalike all but shrieked, waving energetically. “Hi A-Rowley!”

The Caitlin lookalike was wearing a strapless minidress that just barely covered her panties, mismatched socks and sneakers, and a pin-covered hat. Her hair was a multitude of colors, and her eyes were unsettlingly wide. The hat and dress were both white, tie-dyed with rainbow pigments. The pins on her hat weren't the ones Rowley knew, and it looked like a small bowl of rainbow sherbet was dripping happily and stickily all over her shoulder from her temple. Her socks and sneakers were striped and polka dotted in garish colors. The bag over her shoulder looked reminiscent of a furby in some ways. The maniacal grin on her face was disturbing.

“What happened? Did you try alchemizing a gummy-you or something?” Rowley asked in confusion.

“ _Ehehehehe!_ Nope!” the rainbow Caitlin giggled, trying to reach past the riot-shield and poke the normal Caitlin. Normal Caitlin had crouched down in the corner of the room and was making a stalwart effort not to come into contact with her rainbow self. “We screwed up, so we started making up random codes for the alchemiter to see if we could find anything good and send you guys presents, but we found the fun-maker instead! So we came to visit while our timeline gets ready to nap!”

“You _abandoned_ your timeline so you could _mess around?_ You sick _fuck!_ ” Caitlin hissed. Her riot-shield jerked again, blocking another jab.

“... How many of you came to visit...?” Shane asked cautiously as rainbow Caitlin giggled.

“Oh, I dunno! A dozen or so! I didn't ask, we just said we'd pop over for a visit, then pop back and heal up any bad stuff left behind!”

“ _Stop!_ With the touching!” Caitlin yelled.

“But you _like_ touching! I _know_ , because _I'm_ you! And you're very sad and lonely and just want to _cuddle_ —”

“ _Hah!_ Shut the fuck up, I'll rape your corpse with my sword!”

“Ooh! I know! Let's do a threesome! You, me, and A-Shane! Better yet, a foursome, with my Shane too!”

“Shane, Rowley, save yourselves!”

As the Rogue of Void started timidly into the room, probably with the intent to break the Caitlin's up, Rowley stayed put. He boggled vacantly at the ensuing shenanigans for a moment longer, then turned to leave.

He had no interest in getting active enough to screw around with a dozen hyper-active, sugar-coated, borrowed-time, candy-colored lunatics. If Shane and Caitlin wanted to mess around with them, fine. The Bard of Life, however, was going to go make some manicotti, build a blanket fort, and play some _Halo_.

A few spirographs later, he was in his house. Sighing in relief, he headed for the kitchen—

“ _Boo!_ ”

The loud roar had him jumping back, yanking the Pillow Of Bricks from his Strife Deck with wide eyes.

Scott doubled over with laughter.

Well...

... Licorice Scott. Was that _really_ a Dracula-style getup? And those fangs looked very very _real_.

“ _Hahahahaha!_ You should have _seen_ your stupid face! Your eyes were like _saucers!_ Did you piss yourself?! _Hahahahahaha!_ ” licorice Scott crowed.

“... This is scarier than the real Scott.” Rowley declared.

“ _Hahahahahahaha!_ You're so _funny!_ ” licorice Scott hooted, hugging himself as he teared up with mirth. “Soooo, _listen!_ You should fucking, like, _play_ with me!”

“... Huh.”

“Well, see, I was gonna go play with Alpha me, but _he's_ with Cassidy, and they're _K-I-S-S-I-N-G!_ So I need someone to play games with me! You'll play, _right?!_ ”

... He was going to need _so_ much brain bleach. He'd just heard _Scott_ spell out ‘kissing’ in a _singsong_ _voice_.

He was _not_ feeling active enough to put up with this bullshit.

“... Sure,” he lied all the same, pointing to the living room, “But I gotta do something first. Go ahead and set up whatever, get started. I'll be out... eventually.”

The candy-covered Rage-player bounced out to the other room— _Scott_. Bouncing. _Shudder_.

Once he was sure that licorice Scott couldn't see him, Rowley absconded.

 _Surely_ LOFAW would be quiet.

Stepping through to Elosia's house, he called out, “Ellie, I'd like to mooch some of your beer!”

“Elosia's out!”

... Oh no.

No.

 _Fuck_ no.

_Hell. Fucking. No._

Rowley moved onto the porch of the house.

Another version of him, dripping with caramel, waved lazily at him before chugging a can of beer. Looking at the pile of empty cans and the pile of unopened ones, it looked like caramel him was trying very hard to get drunk. There was also an unusual large lollipop next to him.

“Plenty of beer to go 'round, though.” caramel him said in a breathy voice after finishing the can.

“I'm in a nightmare.” Rowley said, shaking his head. Caitlin, Scott, and this? It was too much to handle. He claimed several cans as he sat down.

“How do you think _I_ feel?” caramel him mumbled. “Stupid magic lollipop...”

“Who even _made_ it?”

“Dunno. If I find out, I'll _wallop_ 'em. Right now, I'm getting drunk, and then either Mason or Keith needs to _break_ this piece of _shit_.”

As one, they both cracked open a beer and threw it back.

“... Why am I... are you not a saccharine _nightmare_ like the others?” Rowley asked after a few minutes.

“The same reason you're not tolerating any of my friends' bullshit,” caramel him answered, “Just don't have the energy, nor do I care.”

“I'll drink to that.” Rowley sighed.

“... Was anyone touching any of them?”

“Why?”

“I'm _pretty_ sure it's contagious.”

... Shane and Caitlin were _doomed_.

“We should probably find a Prince before everyone's hopped up on whatever crazy-ass sugar-majyyks your nightmare-candy generates.” Rowley sighed. “Should also probably make alchemiter tomfoolery have stricter regulations, swing by Jacob...”

“Yeah. Alchemiter tomfoolery is responsible for a quarter of most doomed timelines.” caramel him sighed back.

Both of them sighed again. Two more beers were cracked open and thrown back.

“Is there even a _name_ for this condition?”

“Not a clue. Nor do I _care_. All I know is that it's apparently a Life thing, in some twisted way. Like if we were an object rather than a person, probably. Ugh.”

Rowley stared at the giant sucker before shaking his head.

“This game is _cracked_.”


End file.
